I’m sitting here trying to think of the first things to say on this site, how to present myself in a way that feels true to who I actually am and not some manufactured version that sounds good.
And that takes time, getting to know you and letting someone getting to know you.
It also takes honesty. As in, I need to actually figure out who I am, in this moment, and not shy away from it. I want to look at the versions of myself over time and how they’ve led me to this point. And over time I want, honestly, to love myself more, to be proud of the person I spend that time reflecting on.
I write a decent amount, or at least I have over time; each semester for the past few years I’ve taken creative writing workshops, have had to get comfortable with the very uncomfortable act of having someone else read my writing. At least to me it’s uncomfortable, both because I’m afraid of criticism and being bad at something I’d like to think I’m good at, and because I’m not good at accepting praise. Mostly the first one.
It’s a little like baring your soul or taking off your clothes or hearing a recording of your own voice– something you want to hide from. People in my workshops didn’t seem to be as nervous as me, or take edits personally, now that I think about it, so maybe my insecurity and lack of confidence are showing. And are a bit more prominent than I had thought.
The flip side of this whole thing, of being scared, is that part of the point of this site is to try to do something new. Which means I actually want people to read this. And the fear part sets in more with the thought of no one reading it. I think I’m existing in a bit of a paradox, writing to write and to push myself but also in hopes that it will lead to something, but then being scared that I’ll have said personal things (you know, the whole trying to be honest) and people will read it.
Hence, I’m a bit in my head about what to actually say.
I want to let myself dream, to imagine that I’ll live my dream life, editing books from all corners of the globe, getting to hop between city and beach and abroad life. On the other hand, I’m trying to ground myself, knowing that that may be impossible. (The regular job rejection emails do wonders for that part). And then I get back to feeling the need to believe in the life that I want and manifesting it and all that. Again, paradox.
I have a habit of shying away from the whole truth when I’m the one being discussed and doing the discussing (sorry to the therapists I lied to…oops). There are just certain things that seem too hard to say out loud, as if they gain power or truth when they exist outside of the confines of my mind. I’ve decided I may as well dust off the places where I’ve boxed things off in my brain and let everything surface, good or bad. Most of the things I write on here will probably seem like ramblings, sort of stream-of-consciousness style. But it’s what I have to say. It’s a means of exploration, for me and for you, and I’m hoping it helps me become closer to myself, more sure of who that person is. And more proud of her. Because I have a hard time with that.
So I guess here I am, offering myself in the incomplete form that I exist in and hoping that I’ll figure some things out along the way.
I don’t see myself as an adult yet and in my head that’s a good thing. It sounds more lighthearted in my mind to say “recent college grad” because then I’m still identifying as an in-between, rather than being edged out of this youthful part of limbo where there’s been freedom without great responsibility. For now I’ll be resisting the passing of time because I don’t like change and I’m scared to grow up and exist in a space of eternal ‘difference,’ where my childhood friends aren’t a bike ride away and I don’t live under the same roof as my sisters.
I’d like to let myself pretend that living in sweats and eating boxed mac and cheese can go on forever. But the other part of me wants things to start, wants those aforementioned dreams to get a move on, which means that things have to shift to make room for the new.
Amidst my whole mental ping-ponging, I know a few things that offer a foundation for going forward and some context of who I am:
-I am a middle child, one who in typical middle child fashion is used to not being the center of attention and is therefore uncomfortable in the spotlight. I have anxiety and a Lexapro prescription and academic validation issues that finally get to relax (guess that’s the good part of being out of college)
-I am most at peace with myself (and my lovely, anxious brain) when I’m reading and writing
-I want to experience many corners of the world, to let myself explore and seek new things. I find it exciting that there are places out there that I don’t even know I want to visit yet. But for those I do know of, the list is long (Australia, Norway, Oregon coast, Maldives, to name a few)
-I am a hopeless romantic who wants to wake up in one of my favorite books or movies (rom-coms and teen dramas are most of what I read/watch) because I’m getting cynical watching everyone else be in relationships (this makes me sound bitter because it’s blunt, but I’m again in a paradox of wanting a relationship and on occasion being disgusted with them)
-I am sarcastic (which might not always come across in the writing)
It’s hard to know what other things I’m forgetting, what parts of myself I typically think of as implied that I now have to build up. I’m sure I’ll think of more of them along the way and sprinkle them throughout my posts, but I hope that in what I write about and how I say it, the implied comes forward.
And since it seems I forgot to say it, nice to meet you.
